It was a most disheartening kind of summer.. well, July and August. I felt I couldn't catch my breath and lost 10 pounds, surviving on mainly fruit smoothies for a good month. It was rough. But here I am, learning to breathe again and finding I can get through the waves. With salt in my mouth, but still swimming. I miss my brother, I miss my mom, I miss the moments I can't go back to.
I'm trying to get through my guilts (there are many) with things that happened or didn't happened or things I did or didn't do. There were brief moments when I thought I wasn't drowning and I could come up for some air... but I couldn't. I would go under again.
I hope I can forgive myself and move on even more into my future, with my family and myself. I love my life and I will continue on loving it and stop beating myself up. For my family and myself I will continue on.. remembering that for the sake of living, it is necessary to let go.
In Blackwater Woods
by Mary Oliver
Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars
of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,
the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders
of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is
nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned
in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side
is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.
into pillars
of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,
the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders
of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is
nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned
in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side
is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.
4 comments:
i think about you often, almost every day in fact!!! love you so, so much...and love the pic of you and cute cedar, the background is GORGEOUS!!!!!
happy thoughts continuing your way :D
Wanted to stop and comment when I saw that lovely photo, but now I've read the rest and am a mess here.
Mary Oliver is the best balm there is, isn't she? Well, other than one's own children, who wake us up and bring us to the present.
Be kind to my friend Jenny---treat her with the gentleness and love I know you would treat another. If only we could be as good a friend to ourselves as we are to others.
Thank you for the sweet comments Anissa and Deirdre. Love you both.
Love you! And I love that you posted that Mary Oliver poem. It is one of my favorites. Latimer read it at his Nonni's funeral. Those few lines: "To live in this world you must be able to do three things..." That's really what it is all about. That is what grace is to me.
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