Some Self-Awareness Observations (or) The Things for Which I Need Therapy

I roll my eyes at myself ALL THE TIME. Usually when I've turned my back after talking to someone. Sometimes I say some stupid crap. The reasons for the eye roll: I contradict myself. I reveal too much. I try too hard to make conversation when I feel obligated to. I don't say anything when I should have or could have. But the main reason is..I just say silly stuff. I feel like Bridget Jones most of the time.

I'm way too self-conscious. Have been all of my life. Even when I'm feeling pretty confident, I am wondering if I look okay or if my comments sound dumb. Hence the eye rolls.

I don't like crowds of people. I would be perfectly content to hang out at home surrounded by books, magazines, pens, and paper all day everyday of my life. With an occasional reality show thrown in for amusement.

Self-help books draw me to them. They are like a fun magnet for me. I like to devour books about how to live in the now, how to be happy and think more positive, how to create more love and less hate. Whatever. I like em all.

I like the concept of poetry, and used to write quite a bit of it. But haven't read any in awhile..or written it either.

I like words, and thinking about words, and thinking about writing words, but most of the time I go to bed without getting any words out on paper. They get stuck in my head...then they are lost.

I used to think I could communicate with birds and butterflies when I was a young girl. And I was very good at taming wild cats. I thought I was a conduit between animals. Maybe I was. I still feel a kinship with butterflies. Don't most people, though? I'm not sure.

I'm pretty fear-based (have I talked about this before?). I have to force myself to do things that are not in my comfort zone/bubble. I like the word bubble.

I would like to be more free to not care what other people think.

I am obsessed (well a little curious) with what other people's homes look like inside. I love it when they leave the blinds open so I can look in (not from the window sill..from my car as I drive by) and get a glimpse of what their life is like. Do they have pictures, paintings, embroidered hangings? Do they have plants, books, buddha statues? I just want to know. I want to go into everyone's house and take a tour. I want to see their laundry and their dinner dishes. I want to see how they've arranged the furniture and the items they've decided to display. I really really do.

And you might know this too about me already (kind of goes in line with the above mentioned)... I look in people's grocery carts. I try to glance down at those I pass in the store and get an inventory. It's so wonderfully fascinating! I'd like to think it tells me a bit about them. Maybe I'm just a voyeur at heart. And perhaps this is why I like reading blogs so much.